“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
Ants in your plants.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown