Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
You’re unbeleafable.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire