Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I cannoli be happy
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
I told you snow.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!