There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
I Got to Get You Into My Life
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
"No wine left behind."
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
You snooze. You booze.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Stay true to your shelf.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.