In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
I’m very frond of you.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
Owl always love you.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
God was just showing off when he made you.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
Your love will always be up to par.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.