Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.

What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.

What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.

My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”

What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."

Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions

I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'

What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.

It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!

Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.

Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".

To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"

What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.

When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.

Love me do

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan

What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”

A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.

A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.

I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.

When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.

What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous

Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates

You make my heart slip 'n slide.

What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.

Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!

What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.

If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?

What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"

Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.

Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.

Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.

What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.

Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.

I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.

Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.

Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.

I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.

Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk

The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.