I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!