Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.