I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Tis the sea-sun.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!