Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Life is better when we stick together.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Feeling my shelf.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
How much will $20 get me?
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!