I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.