The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
"Sip, sip hooray."
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.