How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
You just caused a heat wave.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
Shell-abrate the good times!
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.