Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!