"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
"I lava you."
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.