It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Better read than dead.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one