How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.