Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
Can I claim your baggage?
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.