My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Gold riddance.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
I think we need to become better strangers.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.