I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.