I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I'm snow bored.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.

What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!

What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.

The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.

What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?

What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.

The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.

What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.

If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.

How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.

Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.

What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!

Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.

I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!

It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.

No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.

“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens

That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.

A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.

Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.

What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous

What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"

Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.

What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.

It's ice to meet you.

How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

This vacation has been sand-sational!

Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!

What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!

How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.

Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.

What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!

Be-leaf me, you look great in green.

What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.

Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.

What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!

Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.