What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
Reading is a novel idea.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
Can we still share a netflix account?
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.