In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Some bunny loves you.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.