What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Water you doing?
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.