What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
All stereos are so typical.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
Sips getting real.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.