Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.