Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!