What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Having a ball
Give me your number so I can make the call.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.