A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
You mermake me happy.
Mooning is very ASStrological
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.