A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
Wear green, or leaf.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Every piece of you is sweet.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.