"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
It takes one to snow one.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"