What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.