Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.