What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.