"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Bad puns are how eye roll.
We should make like your parents and split.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Hold on for deer life.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.