You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
I really caribou-t you.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.