"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
"What an egg-citing day."
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.