I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Can’t pinch this.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!