A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Can I Alp you?
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.