Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
It's ice to meet you.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Did you know you look good in short pants?