Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.

Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.

There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.

How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.

Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped

"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens

Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.

The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.

“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan

When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.

What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.

What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.

Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!

I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!

“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.

A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.

My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.

Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.

What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!

How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.

What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns

Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!

Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!

What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."

What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”

- Ray Romano.

Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.

"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."

I call the shots.

Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin

I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.

Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!

Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.

I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now

Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.