Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.