Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Trowel and error.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.