A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.

I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.

Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.

One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years

Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.

Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!

Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.

What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee

The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.

My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.

What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.

What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.

Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.

What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!

Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.

Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.

My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.

How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?

Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.

"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran

What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry

Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!

What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.

What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.

Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute

What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.

What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield

What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.

I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.