Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.