It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.