I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less