What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
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