Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
This foundation is rock salad.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
We are mint to be.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
"Eggs-cuse me."
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.