If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.

"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire

If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.

Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?

What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.

Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!

What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.

What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.

What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.

My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?

If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

Better read than dead.

What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."

Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?

Me: Yep.

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow

Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.

"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.

They say everything gets better with age.

What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.

"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."

What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.

I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.

I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.

I didn't know angels flew this low.

I'm acorn-y person.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.

"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.

“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.

I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.

A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"

“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain

What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.

What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.

The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.

What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!

Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.

How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!

How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.