Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Beach, please.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
All punts are highly intended
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.