We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Beach, please.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Octopus ocular optics.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"