Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Keep calm and carrot on.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child