You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.